Although I feel foolish, wishing I hadn’t told them about waiting up for Santa, I succumb to the laughter around me and crack a smile.

“No, Jen.  I don’t still wait for Santa,” I say, shaking my head.  “He’s yet another childhood illusion shattered by the reality of growing up.”

For some reason this sets off yet another fit of hysterical laughter and her face turns so red, I’m afraid she’s stopped breathing.  I told them from the outset that my story was corny and stupid and apparently, I didn’t disappoint.

As the laughter begins to die down, I divert attention from myself before more fun-filled hilarity ensues.  “So Jack, how’s Andie enjoying Christmas in Paris?”

“She’s loving it,” Jack answers, and it’s obvious that he misses his sister more than his cheery countenance is letting on.  “My father’s parents are meeting them there for Christmas Eve and she’s excited about that.”

“When is she coming back?” Joey asks, and I look away from her when she takes a drink from the soda she’s been sharing with Pacey all evening.  I brought enough from the kitchen for everyone, but they’d apparently rather share even more saliva than usual.

“She’s coming back in time for graduation,” he says.  “Andie can’t wait for it, because that means we’re all one step closer to her heaven:  college.”

The “c” word is met with groans from all around.  As seniors, it’s all we hear about all day long it seems.  If we’re not writing essays or involving ourselves in extracurricular activities for the sole purpose of impressing the faceless folks who are paid to care when they read it listed on our applications, we have guidance counselors who are forever trying to nail us down to discuss our all-important life goals.

Which is why, amongst ourselves, we’ve avoided the word.  The few times we are all grouped together, the last thing we want to talk about is our college plans.  And maybe it’s also because we’re all going to go our separate ways once the fall term begins.

That’s not bothering me so much as I glance at Joey and Pacey, snuggled together like they don’t even care that I’m sitting here.  Nothing has been able to keep them apart for long; not me, not the blowout their relationship caused, not the fights that do nothing but bond them closer together.  It’s such a shame that their academic paths are going to lead them away from one another. 

“We haven’t touched base with each other for awhile regarding that overly discussed topic.  I have no idea where everyone plans on enrolling,” Jen comments.  “Besides Jack, I mean.”

“I’m going to go to Notre Dame,” Jack offers.  “I mean, assuming I’m accepted.”

“That’s far away from Harvard,” Pacey comments.  “Won’t it be hard to be away from Andie for at least four years?”

Jack shrugs, noncommittal.  It’ll be hard on both of them, they’re closer than best friends. 

Jen keeps the conversation moving right along, focusing once again on me.  “Where are you going, Dawson?  Or do I even need to ask?”

“I plan on UCLA,” I say, and that comes as no surprise to anyone.  “It’s the obvious choice, really.  What about you, Jen?”

“Easy.  I’m going to NYU,” Jen answers promptly.

That makes sense.  For all she’s fit in here at Capeside, New York City is in her blood.

“Your turn, Joey.  Which school is going to be graced with your attendance?” I ask her, trying my best to ignore how Pacey is absently stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.

She smiles lopsidedly, saying, “I hope I get accepted to Columbia but if I don’t, my back-up school is Boston University.  Either way, I’m getting away from Capeside.”

There’s a silence then, because nobody wants to ask Pacey what his plans are.  Because he can’t have plans like the rest of us do; he’ll be lucky if he graduates.

“What are you going to do, Pace?” Jack asks, and I’m all ears.

He moves his head so that he can look at Joey, and she nods slightly. 

“Well,” he begins, taking a deep breath. “Either I’m going to be attending the City of New York University or UMass.  If I don’t have the grades to get into a university, I’m going to enroll in a community college in either New York City or Boston and then transfer after two years.”

For a moment, his words don’t even register.  They don’t make sense in my head. 

Jack seems mildly surprised, but the news doesn’t phase Jen at all and I realize she must have guessed.

Jack asks what everyone‘s wondering.  “So both your families are okay with that?  With you . . . um, following her?“

“The Witters could care less, except for maybe Gretchen,” Pacey answers.  “Joey’s my family.”

The headache that’s been aching steadily all night blooms into a throb of pain, like somebody’s digging an ice pick into the back of my eyeballs.  It doesn’t help much when Joey snuggles even tighter against him and says, “Bessie and Bodie are actually glad he’s going with me.  I know I can handle myself in big cities, but they’re not quite so sure.”

“You’ve talked it over with them?” I ask as casually as I can.

“They’ve known for quite awhile, Dawson.”

“And you, uh. . . you don’t think he’ll be a . . . a distraction?  That you‘re studies will suffer?” I manage to get out in the same calm tone.

She’s quiet for a moment, her eyes assessing.  Gently, as if to a child, she says, “My studies would suffer even more if he stays here, Dawson.  Because I’d be staying here, too.”

I don’t want to hear this.  I’ve seen how committed they are to each other but I had no idea how deep it goes.  She was willing to sacrifice her education, her future, to stay here with him.  Of course he’s going with her.

As if voicing my thoughts, Jen says, “Sounds like you two are in it for the long haul.”

“We are,” Pacey responds to her, even though he’s looking at me.  His eyes are all but daring me to ruin the atmosphere with my jealousy.

“Have you - have you made any plans?  Living arrangements, jobs, money?” I ask, my tone that of friendly curiosity.

“We’re going to get a one-room efficiency wherever we end up going to school,” Joey answers.  “I can get a job as a waitress anywhere, and Pacey has a cousin in New York who will give him a job in his factory.”

Pacey nods as he listens to her explain, adding, “And I’ve been watching the classifieds in the Boston Globe.  We’ve been saving every penny we can, and I think we’ve got it all covered.”

I want to say that he’s being clingy, that he’s going to bring her down.  I want to yell at her and call her on her stupidity if she actually considered staying in Capeside and attending C3 just to be with him.  I want to strangle them both for their ignorance, but I don’t do any of these things while Jen and Jack talk about how great it is that they won’t be separated.

I accepted her invitation this morning knowing full well that I’d be uncomfortable, that I’d be subjected to them holding hands and touching each other affectionately.  If I had known that I’d have to sit here and pretend that finding out that even college can’t part them is the best news ever, I would have stayed home.

Which is where I want to go now.  I want to go home, where I won’t have to see the love of my life and her boyfriend, who just happens to be my ex-best friend, planning their future together.  I don’t want to sit here anymore and watch them function as a couple when once again, I’ve lost my foothold when it comes to accepting them and their relationship.

I make a show of checking my watch and I say, “You know what, guys?  I totally forgot that I’m supposed to help Mom out at the restaurant.”

“You’re leaving?” Joey asks, her brows knitting in surprise.

“Yeah,” I say, refusing to meet Pacey’s eyes.  I don’t want to see him gloat, because I’m sure he knows exactly what it is I want to get the hell away from.

I get up and mutter my apologies, thanking her for inviting me.  I leave before they’re even finished saying their goodbyes, and I don’t remember getting in my car. 

I don’t remember driving home, either, but I’m here nonetheless.  Well, not exactly.  I’m sitting at the end of my dock, remembering all the conversations she and I have had here.  Swinging our legs over the side while neighbors and friends rowed up and down the creek, waving at the two of us and calling us soulmates.

As we grew up, grew more adult, so did our conversations.  Where once we talked for hours on end about movies we’d seen or books we’d been reading, over the years our discussions evolved to incorporate her mother’s death and her father’s imprisonment.  My mother’s affair and my parent’s divorce.  Our relationship, and it’s constant state of flux.

And I remember our last conversation on this dock, of course.  The one that ended with me slumped over crying and Joey running away from me as fast as her legs could carry her.  Straight to Pacey.

I can still picture the look in her eyes, more blue than gray as she cried.  She professed confusion but I pushed her toward him, even yelling at her to go to him before I changed my mind.  I was so pompous and arrogant, “freeing” her like she was a caged bird who wanted to fly skyward. 

I honestly believed that if I let her go . . . she’d come back.

The wait is growing harder by the day.  When they came back after three months spent sailing down the coast on his god damned boat, ironically named True Love, I was sure that the lingering doubts that surely plagued him would end things.  But apparently she’s conquered any insecurities he might have had, because I can tell by the way he looks at her that he’s thoroughly convinced she’s in love with him.

I felt the same way, once upon a time.

When they fought one day in the cafeteria in front of God and everyone trying to eat lunch, shouting at each other and storming away in opposite directions, I was sure that was it.  So I played it cool, letting her know that I was there for her if she wanted to talk.  She thanked me and she hugged me, and then the next day I walked into the cafeteria and he was singing to her from atop the very table I planned to continue consoling her at.

With every touch and every kiss they share, she grows farther and farther away from me.  Every time they argue, they end up closer than they were before.  Each day passes and they fall deeper and deeper in love, and now they’re making plans to go away to school together.

Or rather, Pacey is tagging along.  Doesn’t she realize that he’s just going to be a hindrance to her?  That being so tightly wrapped up in him is just going to make it that much harder for her to achieve her dreams?  He must realize that he’s not what she really needs, that their lives are headed in opposite directions.  She’s headed for greatness and he’s headed for a mediocre existence, at best.  But unlike me, I don’t see him letting her go for her own good.

For months I’ve watched them, watched her.  These days, she’s unrecognizable as the Joey I grew up with.  She’s the beautiful, amazing woman whose existence has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Pacey and it seems so alien to me, the two of them together.  Doesn’t she see how wrong they are for each other?

She has to realize that their plans are ridiculous.  Someone has to make her understand that Pacey is wrong for her and that being with him is going to keep her grounded when she should be aiming high.

A chill races up my spine and I shiver, realizing for the first time in I don’t know how long that I’ve been sitting out here in the middle of December without a jacket.  Because in my rush to get away from the situation, I left my jacket at Joey’s.

Which gives me the perfect reason to go back to the B&B to talk some sense into her.  Hopefully she’s alone by now, but even if she’s not, I’m sure I’ll have no problems convincing her to go for a walk with me.

Someone has to rescue her from their relationship before it ruins her future.