Joey wrapped her scarf around her neck and shoved her hands in her coat pockets as she walked, the smile lingering on her face as she watched the other pedestrians bustle by, their arms loaded with shopping bags and brightly gift-wrapped boxes. The line of people waiting to get into the Post Office to mail last minute packages spilled down the steps onto the sidewalk in front of her, and she had to step into the street momentarily, carefully avoiding the icy slush accumulated along the curb. The bells from the church tower across the street chimed in harmony with the clanging of the one held by the Red Cross volunteer on the corner and wonderfully sugary and spicy cinnamon and gingerbread scents drifted out from the open door of the town bakery, a warm, sweet cloud wafting through the chilly December air.

Every so often a familiar face would pass by, greeting her with a smile or a “Happy Holidays” or a hello to pass on to Bessie or Bodie. It always amazed her how very little this small town she had grown up in changed while she was away, but the image of Capeside being frozen in time was never more vivid than now, covered and preserved in a blanket of snow.

Not that her current home was so different from her childhood one in terms of scenery and locale. She had spent so many years in the city, first for college and then law school, she had started to assume it would be where she settled permanently. But when her interests led her to environmental law, she found herself joining a practice in northern Maine, several hours and hundreds of miles of rocky coast away from Capeside, but similar to it all the same. Some might say she followed her boyfriend there, and others might say he followed her there, but all she knew was that was where they chosen to be together. That was all that mattered, really.

She strolled towards the harbor, checking her watch. The days were getting drastically shorter and her sense of time was confused. It didn’t help, of course, that she was so tired these days that she was ready for bed by 7:00. She looked up to see people beginning to gather around the huge, festively decorated spruce tree, the off-key trumpet blasts and rat-a-tat-tat of drums cutting through the murmurs of cheerful conversations as the high school band began to warm up.

It was the holiday that physically brought her to this place, but it was her memories that called her back. Capeside was, of course, filled with a thousand memories and they still, even now, haunted her in different ways. Memories of family. Of friends. Of a boy. It was now only memories she had that defined him in her life, and while she did not necessarily want to give them up all together, she felt the time had come to file them away in the appropriate place.

In some ways he had been her first love, if one considered the technicalities and standard definitions of the word. Looking back now, she didn’t really see it that way. She gazed down at the platinum and diamond engagement ring on her finger with a soft smile. Now that she knew what love really was.

There had been a huge part of her life missing after her mother died, and Joey had spent most of her younger years trying to somehow compensate for that loss. But there are so many different kinds of love, so many shades and variables, that it was kind of like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. It never really worked, and the empty space was always still there somewhere. She still felt the loss to some degree even with her fiancé, the man who had turned out to be the love of her life.

Now, however, there was a different love in her life, a love so powerful growing inside her that made everything else insignificant. A reason for being that surpassed any other reason. A reaffirmation to her that love doesn’t have to end, because it begins again every day. She was no longer missing a mother in her life because now she was going to be one. Her mother had been right here with her all along. She’d just never realized it until now.

In these past two weeks, ever since she had discovered that she was carrying this wonderful, amazing secret, she had gone through a lot of contemplation and reflection. It was as if she was suddenly seeing everything through wise new eyes, and what was once so complicated and confused seemed so simple, so obvious. She could probably speculate, but she really didn’t know why, in the midst of it all, this boy, this part of her life, came to mind. Things between them had not ended badly. There had been tears, recriminations at first, but eventually they had parted on stable ground. They had parted, but they had never really said good-bye. And that’s what she needed to do now. Say good-bye to a past that had been a part of her so long, but that she no longer had room to carry with her into the future.

She glanced out at the water, a solitary lobster boat the only current occupant of the winter harbor. Tiny white Christmas lights were visible twinkling out from the cabin windows against the background of gray ocean and sky, tinged a dusky purple and pink from the sunset. When she told her fiancé she wanted to do this, to see this boy again while they were in town and say her final good-byes, he said he understood. He knew that it was important for her to close this chapter on her life, and that she’d never really had the chance to put a proper ending on her past.

She didn’t know why she was still surprised that he had been so reasonable with all of this. Of course, she had come to realize over all these years they had lived together, that he seemed to have an innate understanding of her, to the point where he knew her when she didn’t even know herself. There was no pettiness in his character, no real jealousy (save for a few comments here and there made mostly in jest), no selfishness. He made her realize every step of the way that it was actually possible in this jaded and cynical world to underestimate someone else, and that while most people in her life would invariably disappoint her, he would never be one of them.

So, here she was, whether motivated by out-of-whack hormones or actual legitimate feelings she could not say. It had been several years since she’d seen this boy. She had sent him an invitation to her law school graduation party, but received a reply back a few days before telling her that he wouldn’t be able to attend. She knew he heard from their mutual friends that she had finally gotten engaged, but she didn’t hear from him then. She couldn’t say that she was surprised. She didn’t know if she was disappointed. She’d thought that maybe if they had talked at that point, she would have felt like that was an appropriate ending, that it would officially erase that big ‘what if” they’d left hanging over them. Of course, in retrospect, she could have called him. She thought that was part of her reason for contacting him now. She knew he’d be in town for Christmas. Everyone came home for Christmas. And maybe all she really needed to say was that she hoped he’d have a good life, because she’d never had the chance to tell him that.

The crowd of people around her was getting thicker now and she had to maneuver her way through to the spot they had designated as a meeting place. She finally saw him approaching from the opposite direction, carrying a paper shopping sack loaded with gifts like Santa himself, stopping here and there to greet acquaintances with a pat on the back or a handshake as he passed them by. He, after all, had grown up in this small town as well. She stopped and smiled as she watched him. Seeing him here, in this place, she also remembered the boy he once was, and realized all over again the man he had become.

He hesitated when he saw her, his warm blue eyes meeting hers as he listened politely to some older woman she vaguely recognized as being a friend of his mother’s. The grin slowly spread across his face and Joey felt herself react accordingly, until they were both smiling widely at each other through the sea of people separating them. He excused himself from the conversation finally, holding her gaze as he approached her slowly.

“So…” He chuckled softly, almost shyly, as he dropped his head a little.

“So…” Joey smiled and repeated his word, drawing it out in the same manner as she shrugged, her hands still buried in her coat pockets.

“How was your date with Dawson?”

Joey narrowed her eyes at him and smirked. He had jokingly referring to it as such all week, even going as far as to tell his family in front of her over the phone that they’d be joining them for Christmas Eve dinner just as soon as his fiancée got back from her date.

She shook her head in reproof. “It was fine, thank you.”

“So, how is he?” Pacey grinned, glancing away and then back at her.

“He’s still exactly the same. He’s Dawson.”

Pacey sighed dramatically. “That’s too bad.”

Joey rolled her eyes, trying unsuccessfully not to smile. They had lost contact with a lot of people when they moved so far away from home. It was just the right distance to discourage frequent visitors, too close to justify an airline flight but too far to drive. (Except for Jack and Jen, who made a tradition out of scheduling the same week of vacation each summer to take their annual road trip, sometimes even bringing along their current respective significant others. They would spend the day they arrived shaking their heads over what would possess anyone to live that far away from “civilization” and spend the day they left swearing that they were going to up and move there, too.) Dawson’s career, of course, took him all over the country, even the world. He had mentioned to her that he’d been filming in Montreal that past summer and Joey had briefly wondered why he never contacted them when he had been so close, but then the reality of the situation dawned on her. It was more than distance of miles that separated them.

Joey always assumed that Dawson would probably find their life together in the small town so much like Capeside to be rather dull, when he traveled to exotic locations and met famous people and lived a glamorous life. Although she guessed he could most likely empathize with their passion for what they did there. Joey had found a sense of fulfillment in her career, a sense of accomplishment she’d never felt when she clerking for various litigation firms back in Boston right after she graduated. And Pacey worked for one of the oldest and most respected sailboat makers in the country, bringing the craft of intricate wooden deck work to an art form. He liked to joke that, even in their careers, they had to contradict one another, as his work relied on cutting down all those trees she lobbied so hard to save.

They lived in a renovated farmhouse, surrounded by acres of land in walking distance to the ocean. The town was a tourist stop, so there were enough restaurants, bars and shops (with plenty of eccentric local characters thrown in seemingly just for their personal amusement) that it made it unnecessary for them to travel outside its borders for entertainment. Maybe it wasn’t for everyone, but it was where they made their life, and whatever it was, what they had was theirs. No one could touch that. And Joey never felt as if her life there with Pacey was lacking in any way. As a matter of fact, it was exactly the opposite.

When she had described all this to Dawson, he became very quiet, and she was sure she had bored him. She made a concerted effort to sound duly impressed with the names he dropped and the adventures he relayed, but it was almost as if on reflex, out of habit where he was concerned. In the end, they really didn’t have much to say to each other and Joey realized finally that sometimes in life it’s not necessary to say good-bye. Life says it for you.

She removed her hands from her coat pockets and wrapped her arms around Pacey, leaning over to try and peer into the shopping bag he held.

“Hey, hey. Watch it there, snoopy.” He turned his body, moving it out of her sight. “No peeking until tomorrow. Besides…” He grinned. “Most of this stuff is for Alexander and my sister’s rug rats, anyway.”

Joey smiled, not doubting that for a minute, as she imagined how much time he’d probably spent in the toy store that afternoon. Pacey was still a big kid at heart. One of the many reasons she knew that he was going to be a wonderful father. They hadn’t really been actively trying to get pregnant, but there had been sort of an unspoken agreement that they weren’t going to prevent it from happening any more, either. It was almost as if they were afraid to say the words, to admit what could happen, knowing that the wedding was still a few months away and that the appropriate thing to do would be to wait. But, at this point in their relationship, the wedding itself was just a formality. (Just another reason for a party, Pacey would say.) The commitment had been made long ago. And, if there was one lesson Joey had taken from her life so far, it was that being appropriate was highly overrated.

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder as she closed her eyes briefly, her arms still wrapped around him. Pacey leaned down to press a soft kiss to her forehead. “How are you feeling? Do you still think you’re coming down with that flu?”

“No.” Joey opened her eyes and smiled. “I’m okay now.”

Pacey tilted his head to look at her face. “You know, I’ve spent the better part of two days fighting the Christmas crowds in order to shower you with extravagant gifts in my usual fashion and I can’t recall you even stepping foot inside a store. Yet, at the same time, I didn’t see my name on any of those boxes you packed to bring with us from home. Am I to assume that my gifts are just too big to wrap?”

“Too big to wrap?” Joey narrowed her eyes playfully. “Hmm. No. I wouldn’t say that.”

“So, there are gifts coming my way?” Pacey continued. “Because I’ve been damn good this year, if I do say so myself.”

“Yes.” Joey giggled and nodded. “You have. And there is a special gift for that.”

Pacey smiled and placed his bag carefully on the ground, moving to stand behind her as the band finally launched into a familiar holiday tune and the tree lit up in front of them to the appreciative gasps and applause from the crowd. He wrapped his arms around her, nuzzling her neck as he gently rocked her back and forth to the music. “Am I going to like it?” He whispered in her ear, his voice lowering to a husky timbre that warmed her in the cold.