Not For Me
2/14/01
by: WitterWoman

"Things will never be the same again with you - now I know what it's coming to
'Cause if you think that it's the way - that love should be
Let me tell you it's not for me"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry, Pace" my sister looks at me sadly.  "I'm just telling you what Dawson said."

I can feel the anger rising up through my body flushing my face red with heat.

"This is stupid, Gretchen.  I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you tell me that my girlfriend is a liar."  I push myself from the table and walk away from her.

"Pacey, listen." she comes up behind me and uses her soothing voice - the one she employs when she's trying to reason with me.  Although I don't know that I can hear much right now other than the sound of blood pounding through my ears.

"I'm sorry I had to tell you.  But I'm more sorry that she said it in the first place.  I just couldn't let you walk around thinking things with Joey were OK when I knew they weren't."

I step away from her and stare out the window.  I can't process what she's telling me - and that's that Joey has lied to me.  She looked me in the eyes and told me that if Dawson were to ever ask her if we'd slept together she would tell him the truth.  Then when he had the fucking gall to actually ask that question - she looked him in the eyes - and lied - again.

I guess I should get some comfort from that.  I mean, she lied to us both.  Told us both what we wanted to hear so we could each continue to keep her up on that pedestal that she is so terrified to fall from.  Unfortunately I'm finding no comfort in it at all.

"Pacey?"  My sister has followed me to the window and her hands rub my arms sympathetically as she rests her head against my back.  "I think Dawson and Joey just…they have a lot to work out.  They always will.  Maybe we were distractions so they could stall for time.  Maybe we…"

I jerk so violently away from her that she nearly loses her balance.  "You have no idea what you're talking about Gretchen." I hiss at her.  For a moment she looks stunned but then she takes a deep breath and braces herself for the assault she knows is coming.

"OK - then tell me" she says quietly.

"Dawson and Joey are - yes they're complicated.  But I'm not just some fucking distraction! OK? I love her and she has spent nearly a year convincing me how much she loves me.  So she's not going to throw that all away just to feed Dawson's goddamn ego! Got it?! Just because you are insecure about his feelings for you doesn't mean that you can blame it on Joey and use it to pull us apart!"

I'm shouting at her and my palms ache from where I've dug my nails into them.  My sister just watches me and absorbs the force of my anger, waiting for me to get control of myself.

But I don't think I can.  I want to scream at her some more.  Tell her she can't make her problems with Dawson become my problems with Joey.  I want to tell her she is more wrong about this than she's ever been about anything in her life.

But I can't.

I can't say anything more to her because I am scared to death that she's right.  My girlfriend apparently has plenty of reasons to lie to me - but my sister has none.

Before I choke on my own breath I manage to spit out, "Give me the car keys."

She looks at me with apprehension, "I don't think you should go out right now…"

"Give me the damn keys, Gretch." I stalk past her and head towards the counter to look for them.  She's on my heels and meets me on the other side of the counter, throwing her hands over mine as I grab the keyring.

"Look I know you are upset - and you should be.  But please, just calm down first and then I'll go with you in a little while.  I'll drive."

But I tug my hand out from under hers and head to the door.  I don't even look at her as I leave.  I can't let her know with one look into my eyes that I believe her.

***************

I sit in the school parking lot and rub my face.  I drove around all night and got little sleep at the beach.  I didn't know where else to go.  If I went to Dawson's I might hit him.  If I went to Joey's I might fall apart.  Couldn't see Jen because of her address, and didn't want to deal with Mr. McPhee.  Forget my parents and my brother was probably on the phone arguing with my sister about whether or not to go look for me.

So I've ended up here squinting in the bright sunlight watching all my classmates wander by like they haven't a care in the world.  I don't know if I can even go in to school today.  And if I did what I would do if I saw her - or him - saw them together.  I actually feel a wave of nausea when I think of it: Joey standing in all her false virginal glory as her freakin' soulmate stands beside her beaming with pride at the thought that she is still saving her pristine self for him.

I rush the window down to get some fresh air.  I feel like a monster - I've been reduced to a mistake she made that she's trying to cover up.  The brute that soiled her virtue that she now has to lie about.  I'm the corrupter lurking on the sidelines watching for her - waiting to see what kind of pain she'll inflict next.  Pain she will then blame me for.  Pain that I will be powerless to stop.

I slide down in my seat as I see Jen and Jack arrive.  She spots my car and shades her eyes to check if I'm inside.  She must be convinced I'm not because she turns back and they start walking towards the building arm in arm.  I grind the heels of my hands into my eyes and try to form a coherent thought.  I need a decision or a plan or something to at least get me through the next few hours.

I'm startled by a tapping on my door and looking up I'm confronted by the vision of Joey Potter - smiling at me as she reaches in through my window to ruffle my hair.

"Hey you!" she chirps, "where have you been?  Doug called looking for you last night."

All I want is to jump out of the car and wrap her up in my arms and start sobbing.  Let it all out and have her hold me and promise me that it is all going to be alright.  But I can't move so I just stare at her through bleary eyes.

"Pace?" her face slips into one of concern and she leans her head towards the window.  "Are you alright sweetheart?"

The term of endearment breaks me and I clumsily lurch forward and take her face in my hands.  She looks startled and lets her bag slip off her shoulder.  As I hold her through the window I momentarily feel safe - like I've woken from a bad dream and now that she's here I'm protected.

"I love you Jo" I blurt out - my voice nothing but a hoarse whisper.

"I love you too," she says softly.  I search her face for more - any proof that she is telling me the truth for real this time.  But I don’t find any.  She looks the exact same way she did when she told me she loved me the last time, when I did believe her.  Pulling my hands away I turn and start the car.

"Where are you going?  Pacey??!" she calls after me but I throw the car into reverse and narrowly miss hitting a couple members of the JV soccer team.  I speed out of the parking lot and attempt to put as much distance between Joey Potter and myself as I possibly can.  I have to get away from her now because I know the next time I see her will be the last time I ever know her.

***************

I'm supposed to pick her up from work and I've kept my promise.  The dining room at the club is empty and I see her glance down the hall then check her watch anxiously.  She's looking for me, wondering where I went this morning, where I've been all day.  But she knows I'll be there.  I'm always there - I never let her down.  Too bad that doesn't count for a hell of a lot in Joey Potter's heart.

She says goodnight to the bartender and heads to the break room to get her stuff.  I silently follow in the same direction and don't even pause when I reach the door she's behind.  This needs to be done - quickly.  Like pulling off a Band-Aid.  And it needs to be done somewhere that I'll never have to be again so I won't ever be forced to relive it.  Right now I’m fine with never setting foot inside the Capeside Yacht Club for the rest of my life.

I need this to be over now because I can't watch as she pretends nothing has changed.  I don't want to have to make excuses for why I can't bear to touch her or be near her.  I don't want to have the same depressing non-conclusive conversation over and over again anymore.  I don't want to hear her cry and listen to her litany of excuses.  And I don't for one second want to let her turn this around on me.  I'm giving up.  This is my surrender.

Entering the room I see her back turned to me as she brushes her hair.  The image reminds me of our night at the lodge and the sheer force of that memory makes me squeeze my eyes shut in agony as I open my mouth to speak.

"Did you lie to Dawson about us?"

She's surprised as she quickly turns and I can see in her eyes that she didn’t actually hear my question.

"Pacey!" she starts towards me, "My god where have you been all day?  I've been freaking out…what happened…"

"Joey." I interrupt her " I need to ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth."

"Of course." She looks bewildered and I almost laugh out loud that she thinks I could still take her at face value.

"Did you lie to Dawson about us?  Did you tell him we didn't have sex?"

The question hangs in the air between us as her face turns pale.  I stare at her unblinking and in her hesitation I have my answer.

"Oh…god…" I choke, my hands flying to cover my face, "oh god - you did" I feel like I'm losing my balance in a spinning room.

"I was gonna tell you…I just…" her voice cracks and I know she is about to cry, "I just didn't know how…"

"How about 'Pacey, remember when I told you I would tell Dawson the truth about what happened between us? Well I didn't.  He asked and I said no.  I couldn't bear to tell him.  Couldn't hurt him again.  So I hurt you instead.' That would have covered it don't you think?  I'm not so stupid that I couldn't have gotten that one!"

She blinks back tears and I lean down to rest my hands on my knees so I can catch my breath.  I'm so angry I can't even look at her.

"Pace…"

"You have done nothing but lie since you got out of that bed, Joey…Jesus Christ probably even before that.  I bet everything you said to me that night wasn't even true - wasn't what you felt, wasn't even what you wanted!"

"No! Pacey!  That was the truth, I swear to you!"  She comes towards me but I back away and close my eyes.  I can't bear to see the pain that shoots across her face at such a physical rejection.

"Pacey everything I said to you that night was the truth.  I love you so much - and I wanted to be with you, I wanted to sleep with you - I still want that."

"You just didn't want Dawson to know."  It's not even a question.  I knew she didn't want him to know.  I knew it the minute I asked her what she would ever tell him and she vowed she would only tell the truth.

"Pacey…it got so complicated…and…"

"Well it doesn't have to be complicated anymore"

"What…what are you talking about?" she sounds scared.

"This - us.  It doesn't have to complicate your life anymore Jo.  Because it's over."

She looks stunned - as if I've just hit her.  I feel the exact same way.  Like I've been socked in the stomach and can't find my breath.

"No…no…you have to listen to me, please!" she is getting hysterical and I have to get out while my decision is still out there - before it gets worn down by her pleas and cries.  Before my heart breaks anymore.

"I can't do it Jo.  I don't trust you.  We shared something that I thought was intimate and wonderful and it meant everything to me.  And you treated it like a dirty little secret.  You promised me you would tell him the truth and you didn't.  You denied me right to his face Joey.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  To know that the person I love more than anything in this world would be so ashamed to have been with me that she would lie about it?"

"I wasn't ashamed" she gasps as tears spill down her face, "I'm not…"

"But you are.  You don't want him to know he wasn't your first.  You want to keep hope alive for him that you'll go back.  Keep letting him believe that I'm just the thing you have to 'get out of your system' before you rush back into his waiting arms.  Because for everything we've shared this year, everything you've said to me - he's always there.  You always keep him there because you are too afraid to ever let go."

"That's not true!" she cries, "You keep him there Pacey!  You bring him into it every time we have a problem!"

I shake my head and laugh bitterly, "well then this has always been a threesome Jo - because I only state the obvious.  And you've denied it but when it came right down to it you went for his feelings over mine."  I can't control the anger in my voice and I realize that I don't want to.

She looks down now and wraps her arms around herself struggling to find some sort of comfort.  I've won this fight.  But it is the emptiest victory I've ever had.

"I don't want any part of it anymore."  She quickly looks up at me and opens her mouth to speak but I go on, "I don't want to be scared of losing you all the time.  I don't want to keep finding out secondhand that your desire to protect Dawson is more important than your love for me.  I don't want to be the rehearsal for your final reunion scene with him.  I'm done Jo.  I don't want to see you anymore." My voice is so cold I don't even recognize it.  Especially as it utters words I never imagined I would hear myself say.

She starts shaking her head violently and I back away towards the door.  In an instant she has thrown herself against me and I feel her hot tears seep through to my chest as her fingers clutch desperately at me.  She says nothing but sobs loudly.  It takes every ounce of control I have to not wrap my arms around her, smooth her hair off her face, and kiss her forehead.  And after that I wouldn't have the energy to try and make myself believe that we could ever possibly fix this.

Instead I take a step back and shrug her off until there is space between us again.  She reaches a hand out for me but I've already left the room.

***************

“Hey.” my sister says softly as I enter the house.

I grunt a greeting and flop onto the couch.  She comes to sit next to me and I can see that she’s been crying.

“Sorry about last night, Gretch…I had to get out of here.  I’m sorry if I scared you - and that I yelled at you.  It wasn’t you I was mad at.”

“It’s OK.  I got over it.”  She seems unusually still and I start to think that my disappearing act isn’t all that has her so upset.

“Gretchen?”

“I broke up with Dawson” she announces abruptly.  I wasn’t expecting that at all.  One of the trademarks of being in any sort of relationship with Dawson Leery is that you keep hanging on to him long past the time you should have cut your losses and let go.

“Well - I broke up with Joey so I guess we’re two for two.”

“You what??” she looks genuinely shocked, “Pacey, you broke up with her over this?”

I’m surprised that she’s so surprised, “Yeah I did!  You know I figured since she is still so wrapped up in Dawson that she can’t tell him the truth about her relationship with me - it was time to get out.  If she can’t be honest about us sleeping together, what is she ever going to be honest about?”

“What about the fact that she loves you?  That you love her?  That you fought for her and you won and you were building this amazing relationship with one another?”

Now she is starting to piss me off.  The last thing I need after tonight is a lecture from my sister about how it was wrong for me to stand up for myself.  Rising off the couch I head towards the kitchen and swing open the fridge.  “What about the fact that she lied to me, Gretchen? Huh? I don’t trust her anymore.  And I didn’t win anything - in fact if you add up all the sums and balances - I think I’m the one who lost.  No best friend, no girlfriend, and now a sister telling me how stupid I am for saving myself from getting hurt again.” I grab a carton of juice and gulp it down trying to wash out the sour taste in my mouth.

“I don’t think you’re stupid Pacey” she says as she comes into the kitchen and hops up on the counter.  “I think you have something very precious and that you should work to try and save it.”

“It’s broken.”

“Then fix it.”

I look at her for a minute then shove the carton back in the fridge and lean up against the wall across from her.  “So what about you and Dawson? What couldn't you just ‘fix’ there?”

She sighs deeply and looks away from me.  “Dawson and I aren’t right together…for now.  I just realized that and figured I should end it before it got too hard to stop.”

“And what else?”

She looks back at me, “what do you mean ‘what else’?  That’s what happened!”

“Uh huh.  Gretchen of all the Witters you are the worst liar.  Even worse than Dougie.  So I know that it wasn’t just growing apart or it being the wrong time or whatever the hell you’re shoveling here.  So give it up.”

She stares at me for a second then snarls “I hate you little brother.”

“I hate you more.  So spill.”

She sighs and before she even starts I can tell that she doesn’t want to tell me the whole story because it is going to hurt me as well.  My shoulders stiffen as she talks and I try to prepare myself for what comes next.

“When it came out that Joey had lied to him - that she’d slept with you and she’d told him that she hadn’t - he…he immediately wanted to sleep with me.  It was like he was desperate to get back at her for not saving herself for him, or to punish you by screwing your sister.  Maybe he was just paranoid about still being a virgin.  But there was nothing about his desire for me that was about me, you know?”

“Was he nasty?”

“About not sleeping with him?  Or breaking up with him?”

“Both.”

She gives me a small smile, “Why? You gonna go play overprotective brother for me?”

“If I have to.”

“Yeah something tells me you’d like to get in his face about more than just me right now!” she laughs and I even manage a chuckle.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” I tell her, “He can be incredibly cruel when he wants to.”

She just nods her head and whispers “I’m fine, Pacey.”

“Well, we’re quite the pathetic pair aren’t we?” I laugh.  “It’s like the Witter Break-up Tag Team or something.”

“People should hire us!” she giggles “we could do the dumping for them.”

“I think there’s gotta be good money in that.”

“There’s gotta be something we can get out of this.” she says.

“I think there’s something we can get out of this now," I say as I cross the kitchen and push her dangling legs to the side to get to the cupboard underneath.  Pulling out a bottle of whiskey I hold it up to her face.  “How about drowning our collective sorrows?”

“You’re underage” she retorts as she reaches up behind her and gets two glasses from the cabinet.

“Yeah and you’re serving a minor so I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Deal.” she laughs for a minute then her face turns serious, “You realize this will only make you feel worse in the morning don’t you?”

“Sis I don’t think I could feel any worse than I possibly feel right now.  So drink up.”

“To us.” she says raising her glass.

“To Dawson and Joey.” I respond bitterly.  Clinking our glasses I drink as my toast burns down all the way down my throat and through to my heart.

***************

The advantage of completely knowing another person’s schedule inside and out is that you know exactly how to avoid them.  When Joey is at lunch, I eat outside.  When she is travelling between the gym and her Physics class I take an alternate route so I don’t bypass her locker.  I dash into homeroom just as it begins so I don’t run into her in the senior hall beforehand.

Outside of school it’s easier because I just stay the hell away from her house, the Yacht Club, and well I’ve been detouring from Dawson’s house for months already.  But inside the halls of Capeside High I spend all my time studiously avoiding her and trying to ignore the knots in my stomach that all threaten to unravel should I ever mess up and walk right into her.

It has been two days.  And it has been utter hell.  I think about her all the time, I dream about her, I alternate between wanting to punch a wall and wanting to curl into a ball and cry myself sick.  I never thought anything in the world could hurt this much - but I should have known - I was warned by practically everyone that Joey and I were a disaster waiting to happen.  I should have paid attention to my instincts that told me she would break my heart and that she would use Dawson Leery to do it.

Dawson.  After all this the bastard is still pissed at me.  Even more so now I suppose since I’ve slept with his purely beloved Joey Potter.  In a perverse way I actually think he should be grateful to me.  If I hadn’t had sex with her, she wouldn’t have had anything to lie about - anything to break us apart.  Now thanks to her deceit she’s free of me, he’s free of my sister - and they can once again start up their charming dysfunctional dance that they seem unable to live without.

But I guess that little game isn’t as much fun to play when one of the players went off and screwed someone else.  And then lied to you about it.  I’m not sure if Joey lied to him so he could go on believing she was saving herself for him, or if she did it so he would think he should go on saving himself for her.  Either way she took my greatest fear and fulfilled it.  And she took his greatest fear, and protected him from it.

Makes it pretty clear to me how I measure up in her heart.  I think I should just try and be relieved that it happened now and not six months from now when I was stranded someplace where I had gone to be with her.  At least now I can get out of here the second I graduate and start a new life far away from every damn thing in this town.

And I’ll start this weekend.  My brother seems to have found a soft spot in his heart for his depressed younger siblings so he has invited Gretchen and I to go stay with him at a friend’s house in Nantucket that he has access to.  It shows the depth of my misery that I would jump at the chance to spend three days marooned on an island with Dougie if it meant getting away from here as soon as possible.  But I admit I am counting the hours - and there are only 4 more until Friday the school week officially ends, and Friday the weekend begins.

3 more and 57 minutes.

***************

“Hey, Witter!”  I look in the direction I heard my name called from but no one is there.  That is because the person who called it has jumped into the passenger seat next to me in the car.

“Give me a ride home!” Jen smiles sweetly at me as she pulls the seatbelt out.

“Can’t, Lindley - sorry.  I have to meet some people at the docks.  I’m supposed to be there now.”

Clicking the belt into place she shrugs her shoulders and says “Guess you’ll have to drive fast then.”  When I just stare at her she teases “hey you don’t want to be late! Let’s go!”

Reluctantly I start the car and head away from the busy school parking lot.  We aren’t even out if it when she starts in:

“So I’m a little hurt you’ve been avoiding me, Pace.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Oh, that’s right.  You’re avoiding Joey.  But sometimes I hang out with Joey - so then technically you are avoiding me.  So I’m rather offended.”

“Sorry to hear that.” I mumble.  But I know Jen and she isn’t going to relent.

“So do you want to tell me how you’re feeling?  Or do you want to hear about how she’s feeling first?”

“Neither.” I stare straight ahead at the road.

“OK then, I’ll fill you in on Joey.  She is a mess.  Her eyes are constantly red from crying, she hasn’t slept in days, she talks about you incessantly, she is afraid to be far from a phone in case you call her, and she’s not eating.”

All things I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to think about how she’s doing - and if I do have to hear about it I would almost rather that she was doing fine.  That way I could believe that breaking up with her was the right thing to do.  That we were each going to work through this on our own and move ahead with our lives.

“Pacey did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you.  Why are you telling me this?”

“So you can realize that you are both absolutely miserable without each other and you can start working on forgiving her.”

“I can’t forgive her.” My throat is dry as I see hers - and Dawson’s - road up ahead of me.

“Why not?  Why can’t you forgive her, Pacey?  I mean, you forgave Andie didn’t you - and she actually slept with someone else.  Joey slept with you - she just, she just didn’t handle the truth of that very well afterwards.  And she knows it - and she regrets it.”

“Yeah … well…” I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to have to think about it anymore.  It aches to even hear about her hurting which just makes me angrier because even in my total devastation I can’t stop feeling for her.  Right now I just want to get on that ferry and leave Capeside far behind me in the distance.

Jen senses that she needs to try another tact with me:  “How are you doing, Pacey?”

I slow down as I turn onto her road and pull over to the shoulder and come to a stop.  “Jen, you gotta get out here - I’m late for the ferry so this is as far as I can take you.”  I can’t look her in the eyes and she knows exactly what I'm doing.

“She’s not at his house.”

“I don’t care.” my voice is flat.

“Yes, you do," she says softly.  “She hasn’t been there at all.  She doesn’t want him, she wants you.”

“Well maybe you should let her know that because it doesn’t seem so clear to her.” I hear the sound of the seatbelt unlatching and feel her hand on my arm.

“Hey.” she says quietly.  “She didn’t send me to talk to you.  But you need to know that she realizes that she made a big mistake.  A huge one.  And she’s paying for it.  But so are you, and I just want you to know that I’m here for you too.  Okay?  I don’t want to get in the middle of this again but I will if I have to - if it means you guys can work this out in the end.”

“I don’t think we can.” I say the bitterness evident in my voice.  She is quiet but squeezes my arm before grabbing her knapsack.  Opening the door she slides out and looks down towards the water before looking back at me.

“Well - I really hope you’re wrong, Pace.”  Pushing the door shut I hear her shout “Thanks for the ride!” over the roar of my engine.  Speeding towards the marina I honestly entertain the notion of faking my death this weekend to disappear from my own life.

***************

“So what are you going to do?” my brother asks me as he works on his fishing pole.  We are out on a boat trying to fish in calm waters on a fairly mild morning for late winter.

“Do about what?” I reply leaning over the side to check out my line.

“Do about the hole in the ozone layer…” he says in exasperation, “do about Joey you idiot!”

“Nothing.” I sit back down satisfied that I’ll get a catch soon, “There’s nothing to do.  It’s over.  I ended it.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” I repeat.

“How come I don’t believe you?” he asks.

“I don’t know Dougie because it’s the truth.  Something which Miss Josephine Potter isn’t too familiar with.”  I can’t help but get digs in even if she’s not around to absorb them.  I get the feeling I’ll be doing that for as long as I’m bitter.  I’m just afraid that is going to be for the rest of my life.

“Pacey you’re gonna have to talk to her again - you do realize that?” I shrug as he throws his line out and sits down next to me.  “I mean, you can’t just leave it with a fight at the yacht club.”

“It wasn’t a fight.  It was a break-up.  As in - we’re broken up.  I wash my hands of the whole mess.  She can have Dawson and deceive him all she wants now.  I’m sure her next one will be that she never actually loved me, which I bet he’ll just eat up with a spoon.”

“How do you know she wants to be with Dawson?”

“Well, she sacrificed our relationship to keep him happy, so I’m pretty clear as to where her heart is headed.”

“She’s called the house 10 times in two days - that doesn’t sound like someone who is happily running to another guy.”

“Doug, she could call the house a hundred times in an hour - it doesn’t change what she did or what it did to us.  Whether she loves Dawson, or is addicted to him, or just can’t deal with him in any other way than by misrepresenting herself to him - it always ends the same: he’s always there between us - she practically invites him in.  I’m not gonna be the third wheel in my own relationship with my girlfriend anymore.”

“Did you ever think that maybe Dawson is the third wheel and that’s why she did what she did?  I mean you guys were all a team and in the past year it became you and Joey - The Couple - and then Dawson.  He already felt left out and maybe she was just trying to spare his feelings about - you know - the two of you sharing a new intimacy with one another.”

I nearly kick at the side of the boat in frustration, “I should have known you would take her side - or his side - or whoever the hell’s side as long as it wasn’t mine!”

“Oh, don’t have a tantrum Pacey.  I’m on your side.  I just don’t think you’ve thought everything through.  Because you’re hotheaded, and you’re hurt, and justifiably pissed off.  I’m just saying that maybe you should try to find out where Joey is coming from.”

“Doug, are you telling me I made a mistake breaking up with her?” I look at him carefully because right now I desperately need an ally and for once it’d be nice if my big brother would be one.

“No I’m not.” I sigh in relief and turn back to the water.  “Pacey, I think what she did to you was lousy.  And if you think that the only way to handle it is to not see her anymore then I’m sure that’s the right thing.  But you aren’t seeing the really big picture, which is that you need to clear the air with her.  After all that you’ve shared she deserves a chance to explain, and you deserve the chance to tell her how you really feel about what she did."

I sigh and look over at my brother, “Are you talking about the dreaded ‘closure’?”

“Yes I am," he says without taking his eyes off the water.  I lean my head back and sigh loudly.

“I hate it when you make sense, Dougie.”

“I know you do little brother.  That’s why I do it.” I reach over and punch him lightly on the arm and he responds in kind.

After a few minutes of quiet I hear him say my name.

“Doug, can we not talk about this anymore?  I just wanna relax and not think about…”

“Pacey, shut up.  I think you’ve got a bite!”  Jumping up we both peer over the deck and see a large beautiful fish has indeed caught my line. For a moment I am thrilled by my catch and I laugh as my brother slaps me on the back and hollers encouragement.  But it dissipates almost immediately when the familiar feeling of excitement about telling Joey crosses my mind.  Suddenly my catching dinner doesn’t seem so thrilling any longer.  Instead it just seems like the first of many things that now I will never share with her.

***************

I'm waiting on the dock for my brother to hand me my bag from the ferry when he freezes and stares past me.

"Dougie?" I prompt.

"Hi, Joey." he answers.  Now it is my turn to freeze.  My heart begins beating so quickly it feels like it is in my throat.  Slowly I turn around and there she is - looking shy, scared, and dare I say it - happy to see me.  She also looks absolutely gorgeous.  I can't help but think that.  I'm still in love with her.

"I'll drop this at the house with Gretchen." Doug announces as he walks past me weighed down with baggage.

"Thanks." I mutter.

"And I'll call you." he says and as he leaves he gives me a wink of support.  Nodding a goodbye to Joey he heads up the dock to meet Gretchen who is anxiously watching us from the parking lot.

"Hey." I say quietly.

"How was your trip?" she asks a little too cheerfully.

"Great.  It was great…well…" I falter, "under the circumstances it was good.  Ok."

"I missed you."  I can hear the hope in her voice that I will respond in kind but even though I felt the exact same way, I can't bring myself to say it.  Instead I sort of choke out a sound somewhere between a cough and a laugh and I see her deflate at my response.

"Listen Jo - I was gonna come see you - tonight actually.  I mean we just got back, so I was planning on finding you…to…talk."

"Really?" she looks relieved to hear I intended to ever see her again.  "Well, I'm here now so we could talk - now I mean." she finishes nervously.

I don't want to do this here - in public where anyone can witness the last private moment between us.  "Actually I was thinking maybe someplace else…"

"But it's the docks." she gives me a half-smile, "This is where we traditionally make-up when one of us owes a really big apology.  This is where we admit we made a mistake and where we forgive one another.  So - see, I saved you a trip!"

By making an inside joke I can tell she's not going to make this easy.  Why would I have expected her to?  If the situation were reversed I'd be kicking and screaming to not let her go.

"There's not gonna be a make-up." I say as firmly as possible.

She bites her lip and takes a step closer to me: "Pacey we can talk about this, work it out."

"Yes, I think we have to talk about it.  But - that's all."

I can see in her eyes she is struggling between frustration and sheer sadness: "I'm not in love with him.  I know you think I am but I'm not."

I actually laugh out loud.  Bitterly - but laughter nonetheless, "This isn't about him Joey!"

"Well what is it about?" she asks startled.

"It's about us.  It's always been about us but it always ends up being about him.  It wasn't so much the lie itself, Jo, it was what the lie represented."  I walk past her and look out at the water.  The sun is setting and the ocean looks almost blood red out on the horizon.  It nearly hurts to look at it, which is precisely why I can't look away.  "That one lie took everything that we've worked for, everything we've meant to one another, everything I believed in about us - and it made it all worthless.  Made it a joke."

"It was a mistake." she whispers from behind me, "I knew it just before I said it, I knew it as it was coming out of my mouth, and once it was out there I couldn't take it back."

"Mistakes are fine, Jo.  I can live with mistakes.  What I can't live with is what provoked you to make this one.  Frankly if we hadn't had a conversation where you flat out told me you would be honest with Dawson we wouldn't be where we are right now."

"So I could have lied to him but just not to you - and everything would be alright?" she sounds incredulous.

"No - it's - god Joey I told you the one thing that terrified me - you not wanting your first time to be with me, you still wanting it to be with him.  You took that fear and you brought it to life.  You made me a promise and you broke it - pretty much right after you made it."

"So that's just it? The damage is done?" she asks as she comes to stand next to me.

The sun has dipped into the ocean now and the darkness brings a chill that makes me shudder.  I turn to her and she is watching me so intensely I feel like she can see right through me.  I wonder if she can actually see that at this very moment a part of me is dying.

"This was just the final nail in the coffin." I say softly.

"You're not being fair, Pacey!" She runs her hands through her hair, "I made a huge, horrible mistake and I'm sorry for it.  I am so sorry I don't know how to say it so you'll believe me.  But the whole thing - all of it - was so overwhelming.  Wanting you and stressing about having sex - and then - I mean having it.  That's a big deal, Pace.  It was a really big deal for me, and I just…I didn't know how to handle it.  I didn't know how to handle it with Dawson."

"You don't know how to handle it with me, and I'm the person you had sex with," I say sadly, "and if Dawson really had nothing to do with our relationship like you are always swearing he doesn't, then his intrusion into our sex life wouldn't even be an issue."

"Pacey!" her voice rises, "don't do this to me - OK? Please - we'll fix it.  We always do."

"Not this time, Jo."  I turn to head up the dock and she grabs me pulling me to her.  Suddenly her hands are on me - caressing my face, clutching my neck, her long fingers run through my hair.

"I love you," she whispers desperately against my cheek, "you are the only one I want.  You are my past, my present, and my future.  You are who I want to be with, who I want to make love to, who I can't live without.  It's you Pacey - I swear it."

"Joey." I cover her hands with mine and pull my head away but she just holds me tighter.

"Please…" she begs, "please don't leave me, just tell me what to do to make it better.  I'll do whatever you want, just say it."

Leaning my forehead against hers for the last time I simply ask, "Just let me go."  A tear spills down her cheek and I am reminded of the first time we ever had a conversation like this almost a year ago on another darkened dock.  That time I was the first to cry.  This time I'll be the first to leave.

She gasps my name, and I give her a soft kiss goodbye on the forehead and drop her hands from mine.  Before I leave I stop and look at her.  Her eyes are closed and her face is tilted to the ground and I see the path of her tears glistening in the lamplight.

"You know Joey - I really hope one day you can find a way to live your life without constantly fearing Dawson's opinion.  You can't exist just on his approval.  Because this is what it gets you and you deserve more than that.  So did I.  And I will always regret that you could never be strong enough to give yourself to me completely the way I gave myself to you."  With that I quietly turn and take the agonizing steps that lead me away from her.

***************

So that's what you said?" my sister asks.

"Yup."

"Wow."

"What?"

"That's harsh."

"That's the truth." I say flatly.

"I kinda feel bad for Joey."

"What?!" I cry, "you're my sister.  You're supposed to side with me and call her names and bitch about how she didn't know how good she had it!"

"No, I just mean I feel bad for her that she needs someone's validation so badly for everything she does that it sabotages anything else that's good in her life.  That's sad.  She's never going to be happy that way."

"Yeah, well, unfortunately those two seem to think they have some sort of destiny between them that destroys pretty much anything else that comes in its path.  Personally I think their destiny is to make each other as miserable as possible - and take everyone around them down with them."

My sister smiles at me "But not the Witters."

"Nope." I agree, "Team Witter has left that particular building."  We look at each other and laugh with the understanding that neither of us are truly grateful for what we got out of this in the end.

Rising out of her seat Gretchen pats my head and asks, "You okay, baby brother?"

"I will be.  Someday…I think."

"I just meant for tonight," she says before heading towards her room.

"Oh - yeah.  I think I'll stay up for awhile and just - try to process it all."

"Alright.  Goodnight then."  Stopping in her doorway she turns back to me,
"And Pacey?"

"Yeah?"

"She didn't know how good she had it."

"The sad thing is I think maybe she did know, but only after it was too late.  It may be her loss, but I have no doubts that it's mine too."

THE END

Title: "Not For Me" - Backstreet Boys (Black and Blue)

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