If I Was The One
Part 6: I’ll find the Strength
by Steph and Sophia

Disclaimer: We are not and have never claimed to be the creators of the characters portrayed here.  We just wanted Pacey and the others to come out to play.  Lyrics contained here are by Ruff Endz.  We don’t own those either.

Background:  We began writing this after season 4 ended.  For the purposes of the story, everything that happened on the show happened in our story.  The only difference is that Andie did NOT defer Harvard.

Summary:  Basically this is our version of season 5.  Jen finds a 3-bedroom apartment in Boston and invites Joey, Andie, Jack, and Drue to room with her.  All is good until Joey finds out that Pacey is the sixth roommate.

Rating:  NC-17 for, you know, the good stuff.

Author’s note:  We enjoyed writing this fic so much.  As always, we must send some love to the girls (and haze) at Pacey’s Pond because they encouraged us all along the way.  Thanks for your words of praise.

Someday I pray,
that I'll find the strength
To turn to you and say...

If I was the one who was loving you, baby
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.

“Good morning.”

“Hey.”  He pressed his lips to hers and flicked his tongue out just a little.  “Mmmm.  You taste good…sweet, like maple syrup.”

“Well, if you hadn’t slept in so late, then you could have joined Grams and I for one of her famous pancake breakfasts.”

Drue wrapped his arms around Jen and held her a little tighter.  “I’m sorry.  The couch was so comfortable and I just couldn’t stop dreaming about sneaking into your room.”

“And doing what?”

“Jennifer,” they heard Grams call.  “Will you please get started on the dishes so I can get ready for my prayer group?”

“Sure thing, Grams,” Jen replied.  She turned her attention back to Drue.  “Go get dressed.  Hurry up.”

“Why?  She’s leaving and we’ll be alone,” he pointed out.

“I know.  That’s why we need to go home.  I don’t trust myself alone with you.”  Jen used both hands to turn Drue around and point him back towards the living room.  She reached down and lightly smacked him on the ass, just for good measure.

“Hey!  I always knew you liked it rough,” Drue teased.

“Go!” she ordered.
Pacey woke slowly and began to stretch.  He felt skin under his hand that was not his own.  It was warm and soft.  He started running his hand upward and a slow smile spread across his face when he reached the swell of her hip.  Joey’s hip.  Joey.  Pacey didn’t want to open his eyes.  He was afraid that this was one of sensuous dreams he often had.   He felt hair tickling his nose so he leaned in closer to smell it.  Pacey decided that if this was truly a dream, then this was the best one he’d ever had.

Pacey put his hand on Joey’ bare stomach and pulled her closer to him.  She was lying on her side with her back to him.  Her nightshirt had inched its way up her body through the course of the night.  He could feel that the soft material was draped loosely across her breasts.  His fingers lingered at the hardening flesh of her nipple.  As he rubbed one and then the other, he could hear a soft moan escape her lips.  Using his elbow to prop himself up, Pacey finally opened his eyes to see what he was feeling.  He reached around and rested his hand on her flat stomach.  His fingers started to trace circles around her navel.  He stared at her exposed neck and could not resist planting tiny kisses there.

Even in her semi-conscious state, Pacey could feel her body responding.  She reached behind her head and dug her fingers through his short hair.  Joey leaned back, pressed he buttocks against Pacey, and immediately felt his arousal.  They started grinding into one another, slow and easy.  Pacey heard her breathing become ragged as he brought both of his hands around and used them to squeeze her breasts.  She gasped and threw her head back.  Pacey used his mouth to push aside the fabric of her nightshirt and expose her shoulder.  His tongue made circles and then he sucked the skin there gently.  “Hmmm,” Pacey murmured.

“Somebody’s in a good mood this morning,” Joey said sleepily.

Pacey didn’t even have a chance to reply before they heard the living room phone ringing loudly.

Joey tensed up.  “Dammit!  Who could that be?”

Pacey’s lips moved up to nibble on her ear.  “Ignore it,” he mumbled.

After two rings, there was silence.  Joey grabbed Pacey’s hands when she heard voices in the living room.  “Pacey, somebody’s here.”

Just then, Jen appeared in the doorway, holding the cordless phone.  Drue was right behind her.  “Joey, it’s for you.  It’s Bessie.”

Joey adjusted her nightshirt to cover herself and sat up.  She couldn’t help but groan inwardly at the thought of the lecture and/or guilt trip that Bessie would undoubtedly be forcing her to suffer through.  Joey smiled thinly and reached for the phone.  “Hey, Bessie.  What’s going on?”

Jen and Drue acknowledged Pacey awkwardly.  This was not the most comfortable of situations.

“What are you saying?  Bessie, slow down!  Tell me everything that happened.”  Joey pulled the covers back and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.  She paced the room and listened intently to Bessie.

“Oh my God.  I can’t believe this has happened.”  Joey stayed on the line a little while longer.  Then she moved to the wall with her face panic-stricken.  It seemed that her legs were no longer able to support her.  She leaned against the wall and then let her body slide down it when her legs couldn’t hold her up anymore.  She pressed the button to end the call and stared absently at the phone in her hands.

Pacey moved towards her cautiously.  “Joey, what happened?  What did Bessie say?”  Pacey glanced over at Jen and Drue with desperation in his eyes.

Jen approached Joey and knelt down beside her.  “I think that she’s in shock,” she told Pacey.

“Should we call someone?” Drue asked as he approached them.

Finally Joey spoke.  “She said that…she said that my dad took Alexander out to play in the snow.  They were down by the creek making a snowman.  Bessie and Bodie were sitting on the porch when they heard Alex crying.  They ran to where he was and found Alex lying on the bank, cold and wet.  He had fallen through the ice.”  Joey paused for a moment.  She swallowed back the lump in her throat.  Pacey couldn’t help but notice the tone of her voice.  It was flat and even, almost robotic.  Pacey took Joey’s hands into his.  He found that her body had become so cold.

“Bessie picked up Alexander and Bodie noticed that my dad was gone.  They started calling his name and then they saw him.  He fell through the ice.  He went out there to save Alex and he fell through.  His heavy clothes weighed him down and he drowned.  He drowned.  My dad is dead.”

Pacey moved to hold Joey in his arms, but she pushed him away.  She stumbled a little as she tried to get up.  “I am so sorry, Joey.  What can we do?” Jen offered.

“Nothing.  I need to get home.  I have to pack my things.”  Joey pushed past Pacey and headed towards her bedroom.  Pacey grabbed his jeans from the chair and followed her.

Drue saw the tears in Jen’s eyes begin to spill over.  He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head.  Drue listened to Jen’s muffled sniffles and wondered how Joey would ever get through this.
Pacey pulled his jeans on and rushed into Joey’s room.  On her bed, he saw piles of clothes, haphazardly scattered.  Joey was standing in her closet, pulling shirts and pants off the hangers.  When she returned to her bed, she started shoving things into her overnight bag.  She barely seemed to notice that Pacey was in the room.  When Pacey reached out to touch her arm, she flinched.  “I’ve got to go see if Drue will give me a ride to the train station,” she said absently.

“Why do you want to take the train?”  I thought that we could all go together,” Pacey replied.

Joey was folding her clothes and pushing them into the suitcase now.  “No.  I don’t want anyone to come with me.  I’m going alone.”

Pacey couldn’t stand it anymore.  He pulled Joey into his arms and looked into her eyes.  She wasn’t even crying.  She looked…almost angry.  “Why won’t you let me go with you?”

She looked down and pulled away from him.  “I can’t deal with this.  I have a lot to do.  Bessie needs me to help her.  Why can’t you understand that!?!”

“I do understand.  I just thought that you might need me right now.”

“The only thing that I need right now is to pack my bag and get on that train.  Can I do that?”  Her voice was stern and her tone was icy.  Pacey was dumbfounded.  Why is she behaving like this?  Is she blaming me?  Pacey thought.  Joey turned back to her packing and Pacey slinked out.  Before he exited the room, he looked back and said, “I’ll miss you, Jo.”

She stopped for a moment, but said nothing.

***************

Joey rested her head on the train window. She felt so tired; she thought she would just fall asleep. It was weird. She didn't lack sleep but comfort. Sleep would bring her oblivion. She didn't want to remember her father or what had happened to him. But most of all, she didn't want to remember their last encounter.

”What's wrong? You seem really sad.   You're ignoring me, Joey. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm okay. I think I need to take a walk or something. I'll be back."

But she didn't get back, did she? Or, to be more specific, she did get back only to pack and leave. She always thought that there would be time.

"You're ignoring me, Joey. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

Why didn't she talk to him? Why didn't she ask for forgiveness, right there and then? She was the one who surrendered him to the police, for Christ's sake! Why did she act as if it was all his fault?

"You're ignoring me, Joey. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm okay. I think I need to take a walk or something. I'll be back."

To be honest, he had done terrible things. If she hadn't done what she did, they would all be in danger. She had to protect them. But he was trying to make amends; and he was still her father.

She noticed that the train slowed down. They were entering the station.  Pretty soon she would be back at Capeside. The place she was trying so hard to get out of. Everything was pulling her back there, wasn't it?

***************

"That's delicious. Where did you learn to make such good pasta?"

Pacey smiled at his friend. "I've got secret talents."

"I'll bet." Jen stopped. She wasn't very good at small talk. She knew that Pacey did not think about food or anything remotely close to it. He was thinking the same thing she did. Joey.

"She will get better, you know.  It was just the shock."

Pacey nodded.

"Then what are you so worried about?"

"She came back because of me.  She would have been there if it hadn't been for me.  I'm afraid she's blaming me for not being there."

"Do you feel responsible?"

"Well, no… I mean, how could I have known?  I didn't even ask her to come back, although I'm glad she did.  I don't really think there's anyone to blame. These things happen, and you have absolutely no control over them."

"Then you should tell her that when you see her.  After the funeral, I mean."

Pacey gave Jen a sad smile. "How did you know I was planning to go?"

"Because, I'm going too."

***************

Bessie took Joey's bag of her hands and put it on her bed.

"Come here," she said and took her little sister into her arms. "It's going to be ok."

Joey felt tears on her eyes for the first time since she had heard the news. "I just wish I'd said goodbye…"

"I know, I know." Bessie pulled herself a little from the hug and looked at her sister. "I've made some preparations, but I think we should talk about some things. Can you handle it?"

Joey nodded and sat on the bed.

"I think we should bury him next to mom."

Joey didn't even blink.

"Don't you think we should? I mean, at the end, he did a decent thing. He saved her grandchild."

"You're right. What about the minister?

"I've taken care of that."

***************

"What are you doing here?" Jen looked surprised when she saw Drue carrying a light bag at the station. "I thought you weren't coming."

"Believe it or not, I feel I should. Joey became a good friend of mine these last few months. I won't let my unresolved issues with my mother prevent me from being where I should." Drue sounded defensive.

"Hey! I'm glad you're here! I don't blame you," she retorted. "Believe it or not, maybe I need you too." Jen suddenly changed her expression. "You know how much I love Grams.  But when it comes to death, I just cannot relate to her. She seems like she has all the answers while I have none."

"Ready to go?" Pacey showed up and looked strangely at Drue.

"Yes."

They slowly walked towards the train.

***************

Joey held Alexander tighter in her arms. She was relieved she had something to do, because she didn't know where she would end up if she were left alone in her thoughts. She had practically begged Bessie to let her look after Alexander while at the funeral.  The whole time she was sitting in the first row and she didn't look back.  She cried when she heard her sister speaking.  And she was surprised when, as they were all heading to the graveyard, she saw her friends.

She felt grateful and annoyed at the same time.  She saw them looking at her with compassion and love.  She saw Pacey scanning her face trying to understand how she felt and his urge to be there for her was so apparent, she almost smiled.  But she couldn't help it.  She knew that their presence would make things more difficult for her.  They would not like the decision she had made.

The cold air made her cheeks red and her hands cold.  Alexander shivered under her arms.  Without thinking she took off her coat and put it over the child's shoulders.  An instant later, she felt something else covering her.  She turned around, knowing whom it was.  Pacey's eyes penetrated her.  And he knew quite instantly that something was wrong.

Pacey stood wordlessly next to Joey as the burial took place.  She couldn’t even hear the minister’s words or the mourner’s tears.  Joey barely noticed Alexander’s squirming.  She felt Pacey lean over her as Alexander scrambled to climb into Pacey’s arms.

They stood together and watched as Mike Potter was laid to rest.  As the mourners stepped forward to toss handfuls of earth on her father’s coffin, Joey remained still.  Pacey watched as a single tear slid down her cheek.  He wrapped one arm around Joey as the other arm held little Alexander close to him.

Her body felt rigid, but as the tears continued to flow, she turned into his embrace.  He stroked her hair and shushed her quietly.  Bessie appeared and removed Alexander from Pacey’s arms.  Bessie smiled softly at Pacey and watched as he tried to put both arms around her now.  Joey pulled away a little and turned to face Bessie.

“I need to talk to Pacey.  Can I meet you back at the house, Bess?”

“Sure, I’ll leave a car for you.”  Now Bessie faced Pacey.  She took one of his hands into hers and looked carefully into his eyes.   “Pacey, I’m glad you made it.  It means a great deal to our family.  I’m sure we’ll see you back at the house later.  Bye.”  Bessie jiggled Alexander in her arms and strode back to Bodie, who was waiting for her.

Joey left Pacey standing there as she searched out a nearby bench.  Pacey joined her there.  The look of concern on his face was evident.  He waited for her to speak.

“I asked you not to come here.”

“I know,” he replied.  “But I couldn’t help it.”

She peered at him now.  “You couldn’t help what?”

“That I love you.”  Pacey took Joey’s face into his hands.  A flood of tears fell as she whispered, “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?  Don’t love you or don’t touch you?  Because I can’t stop loving you Joey.  I never have.  And I know that we’ve never really said, ‘I love you’, but we do.  You feel it.  I know you feel how strong my love for you is.”

Joey squeezed her eyes shut and nodded.  She pulled away from him and began wiping her tears.  “This is too much.  I can’t give you what you want, Pacey.”

“I don’t want anything from you.  Just let me be here for you…and comfort you.  Please?”

Joey turned her body and stared down at the ground.  “I have to tell you something, Pacey.  I’ve come to a decision.  I know that you’re not going to approve, but it’s not really up for discussion.”

“Ok.”

“I’ve decided not to return to Boston.  I won’t be continuing at Worthington.  I may go back in the fall…or not.  I’m not sure yet.”  Joey couldn’t face Pacey.  She didn’t want to see that look of disappointment in his eyes.

“Can I ask you why?”

“I just can’t put the burden on Bessie.  She works so hard to help keep me in school.  She won’t even let me get a part-time job.  Now she has the cost of my father’s funeral to deal with.  School can wait and I won’t put my sister out anymore than I already have.”

Pacey rested his forehead in his hands.  His mind was reeling.  He couldn’t imagine another day without Joey in his life.  He couldn’t fathom Bessie letting her little sister throw her future away like this.  “What has Bessie said about your decision?”

“I haven’t told her yet.”

Pacey stared at her in disbelief.  “Bessie will never let you do this.  She’d do anything to help you get through school and realize your dreams.”

“It doesn’t matter what she says.  I can’t go back.  I need to stay here and work.  Do you have any idea what a funeral costs?”

“No.  I’m sure it’s a lot but…”

Joey cut him off.  “I don’t want to discuss this anymore.  I’ve made my choice and I need you to understand this.  And I know that Bessie asked you to come by the house, but I’d really rather you didn’t.  Just tell Jen that I’ll call her soon.”  Her deep brown eyes were dark and serious now.  She gazed at him intensely, but when Pacey reached for her she stiffened and rose from the bench.  “Goodbye, Pacey.”

He stared up at her now with tears brimming his eyes.  “I know you blame me.  And I can understand that, but please don’t do this.”

“Blame you?  What are you talking about?”

“You rushed home the day after Christmas to be with me.  You had the chance to spend time with your father, but you wanted to be with me.  It’s my fault that you didn’t say what you wanted to say to him.  He’s gone and I’m here.  I can’t take back that day.  I can’t give you back that time with your father.  All I can offer you is my love, but you don’t want that, do you?  You want to give up on this before we even had a chance to try again?”

“You don’t want me, Pacey.  You want the old Joey and she’s just not here.  I’m angry and bitter and sad.  And anything that we could have had…well, it won’t work now.  I wish…I wish a lot of things for us.  It’s just not meant to be.”

Pacey dropped his head and let his tears fall freely.  Joey’s heart broke into a million pieces for the pain she caused him now.  She hated to let him think that she blamed him, but she knew that it was easier than telling him how much she hated herself.  She took a step forward and bent down to kiss the top of his head.  His hands sought out hers.  Joey let him hold her hands for a moment, but when he looked up at her with those loving eyes, she ran for the car.

Pacey hesitated for a moment.  He watched her fumble in her purse for the keys to her sister’s truck.  He knew what she wanted and he had to let her go.  Pacey suddenly felt that he would have a tremendous amount of guilt if he didn’t do what he was about to do.

Joey frantically searched her handbag for her keys.  She shakily pulled them out and began fingering each one, looking for the right one.  She didn’t look up when his hands covered hers.  Pacey leaned forward and pressed his lips to her cheek.  Her heart melted as she slowly moved her mouth to find his.  Their lips joined ever so softly.  Their tears mingled.  Their hands explored.  Their arms held each other in desperation.  After several minutes, they parted and no words were exchanged.  The eyes said everything that was needed to say.

I’ll miss you.

***************

Joey poured the eggs she had just scrambled in the bowl where her sister had put the rest of the ingredients for the cake. Alexander would be very pleased with their surprise.

"So, do you want anything else?" She asked Bessie.

"Yes. Some more sugar. And you going back to college."

Joey didn't smile. Her sister, after talking her ears off arguing with her decision, had taken this hobby of telling her to go back to Boston in every chance she got. It had started to annoy her.

"Look," Bessie started her lecture again, which Joey had heard a million of times, "I'm not saying you shouldn't help if you want to, even though we don't need it that much. Take a part time job, for Christ's sake! No one prevents you from it. But don't give up your dream for duties that don't even exist."

Joey was looking at her feet. "I'm going out," she finally uttered.

When she was finally out of her house breathing the cold but refreshing air, she realized that she didn't know where she was going. She wanted to escape her sister's endless lectures but they were repeating themselves inside her mind. She could walk away from college, Pacey or Bessie, but she could not walk away from herself.

Joey was quite surprised when she found herself outside of the cemetery. She hadn't planned to come here. She didn't want to face her dead parents. But she WAS here and that might have meant something.

It took her some time to pick flowers from the store that was inside the cemetery. She didn't know why but she felt it was important. For her mother the obvious choice would be lilies but she didn't want them. They seemed too dismal. She finally picked some chrysanthemums for her in different colors. For her father she picked red carnations. Their scent made her feel better.

She quickly walked towards her parent's graves. She saw them together in death as they were never really in life. She put the flowers on her mother's grave first. "Mom, I love you. You know that, don't you? At moments like this I feel you close to me. You never left me." Then she placed the carnations on her father's grave silently. She stood there for a while and then started to talk quickly, grasping for her breath. "What did you want to tell me, Dad? Did you want to say that you were sorry for ruining our lives so many times? Did you want to ask me why I turned you in? Did you want to tell me that you forgive me? Because I'm sorry, dad. You don't know how sorry I am for turning you in and for not letting you talk to me. I was doing what I thought best and I didn't want you to hurt me one more time. I'm sorry!" She had said it but she couldn't move. She felt there was something else but didn't know what until the words came out of her mouth without thinking "I forgive you, Dad," and she left.

Joey smelled the capturing scent of baked cake when she entered the B&B. She looked around her affectionately. This was her home and it always would be. But it was time to leave home and safety now. She saw her sister in the leaving room. "Bessie, I've decided to go back to Boston," she declared.

"Finally!" Her sister sighed.

***************

Joey was looking at the door of her apartment. Now that she was there she couldn't find the courage to get in. She lifted her hand and rung the bell. This was stupid. She didn't have to ring the bell, it was her apartment, but now she had done it.

Immediately she heard footsteps on the other side of the door and her heart beat faster. The door opened and she saw Pacey.
He froze for a moment and she observed his face. His familiar scar at his left cheek and the full lips. He stared at her for a while and then his eyes looked down at her suitcase. At the next moment she was in his arms. He held her there, as he didn't want to ever let her leave again. She reluctantly put her arms around him and the world was right again.

"Jo, Jo! Joey… Joey!" He repeated her name as he held her.

"Pacey, who is…?" Jen left her sentence unfinished as she saw her friend at the doorstep. "Drue!" she continued anxiously.

Pacey looked back at Jen. Without releasing Joey's hand, he took her suitcase and they both went in the apartment.

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