If I Was The One
Part 2: Tears You Cry
by Steph and Sophia

Disclaimer: We are not and have never claimed to be the creators of the characters portrayed here.  We just wanted Pacey and the others to come out to play.  Lyrics contained here are by Ruff Endz.  We don’t own those either.

Background:  We began writing this after season 4 ended.  For the purposes of the story, everything that happened on the show happened in our story.  The only difference is that Andie did NOT defer Harvard.

Summary:  Basically this is our version of season 5.  Jen finds a 3-bedroom apartment in Boston and invites Joey, Andie, Jack, and Drue to room with her.  All is good until Joey finds out that Pacey is the sixth roommate.

Rating:  NC-17 for, you know, the good stuff.

Author’s note:  We enjoyed writing this fic so much.  As always, we must send some love to the girls (and haze) at Pacey’s Pond because they encouraged us all along the way.  Thanks for your words of praise.

So I've got to try to keep it inside
That you will never be, never be mine but…

If I was the one who was loving you, baby
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.

"Thanks, Jack." Jen took the bottle from Jack's hand and sat down next to Andie.  Pacey was opposite of her stretching his legs. Jack sat down too and sighed.

"Hey, look at us!" Andie said. "Six of us were cleaning an apartment and we look like we've been digging all day!"

"Excuse me for thinking this worse than digging," her brother answered her.

"I'm too tired to ans…" Andie started but was interrupted by a familiar tone coming from one of the other rooms. "My cell phone!"

She ran to pick it up and soon they all heard her voice. "Dad!  Yeah, it's almost ready… Jack!  It's dad.  He wants to talk to you too."

Jack sighed again and got up to join his sister.

"Hey, what are you thinking?" Jen asked Pacey who had a frown on his face.

"Nothing."

"Uh, ha.  Maybe this nothing has a name?  Maybe Drue?  Maybe Drue driving to Capeside with a certain brunette we all know?"

"I just don't know if I can trust this guy."

"Pace, don't worry.  I think, in the past few months I got to understand Drue a little more.
He's not that bad.  I think maybe he's a little like me.  The worst he can do is bore her to death with his constant bragging of himself.  Or maybe you're a little jealous."

Pacey half smiled.  "How come you know so much?"

"I'm wise, didn't you know?  Besides it's not that hard for anyone to understand that you still love her and she still loves you.  Frankly I'd be surprised if you didn't."

"You know, I do.  I still love her.  Hell, I've even told her that I still would.  I just hadn't realized that it would be so hard.  Us living together and all.  On the other hand I really don't want to live anywhere else."

"You're doing the right thing, Pacey.  You two need some time apart to figure out all your issues.  That doesn't mean that proximity is not a good thing when you have feelings for someone."

"Hey, you're stealing my lines!" he said laughing.

Jen looked at him bewildered.

"Never mind.  So, about that proximity thing.  Does that apply to you too?" he continued.

***************

Joey was looking outside her window.  She had tried to focus on the beautiful landscape but all she could see was a blur.

"You know what?" Drue said. "You're really not fun. You’ve barely said two words in the past fifteen minutes."

She looked at him with a fake smile. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know that part of my duties was to entertain the driver."

"Hey!  Hold that tone, ok?  YOU asked me for a favor!  I didn't drag you with me."
Joey felt a little embarrassed.  "Alright.  So what do you want to talk about?"

"How about you, having trouble to resist my undeniable charms?"

Joey rolled her eyes.

What am I doing here?  Joey wondered.  She gave Drue a sideways glance.  He had just switched on the radio and was bobbing his head to the music.

"Mmmmm...yeah.  Uh-huh."  Drue was bouncing along, trying to sing the tunes when Joey burst out laughing.

Drue kept a straight face.  "What?  What is so funny?"

"You!" she exclaimed.  "You are so weird."

Drue eyed her for a moment.  "Glad to see you've snapped out of that funky mood you were in, Potter.  Are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?"

Joey was humming along now.  "Just you," she smiled.

Drue threw his head back.  "Oh, great.  What did I ever do to you?"

Joey laughed.  "Nothing, Drue.  I'm joking with you, okay?  God, is it a crime for me to loosen up and be in a good mood for once?"

So what, dare I ask, is the cause for your change in demeanor?"

Joey shrugged her shoulders.  "I don't know.  You, I suppose."

Drue stole a glance at her and opened his eyes widely.  "Wow.  I didn't know I had that kind of effect on you.  Tell me what I did so I can be sure to never do it again," he teased.

"Drue!"  Joey reached over and playfully punched him on the arm.

"I'm just kidding!" he paused for a moment and listened for the next song on the radio.  "Oh!  I love this one.  Do you remember it?"

Joey scrunched up her face and tried to recall.  "Oh yeah!  This is a good one."

"But lately something's changed.  It ain't hard to define.  Jessie's got himself a girl and I wanna make her mine," the pair sang loudly as they traveled down the highway.

"And he's watching her with those eyes...."

***************

"Yeah, so have you heard anything from Gretchen?"  Pacey plunked down his end of the sofa and waited for a response from his older brother, Doug.

Doug used the back of his hand to wipe the sweat from his forehead before it could get into his eyes.  "Mmmmmm...a couple of postcards are all I got.  She's back in school and it seems to be agreeing with her.  She wanted to get a jump start so she enrolled in some summer courses to make up for the time she missed."

Pacey began lifting boxes that he wanted to be transported to his bedroom.  Doug followed behind him, carrying a nightstand.  "Well, I'm happy for her,  I know she went through a lot last year.  But Gretchen is obviously a tough girl and she learned a great deal,"  Pacey said as he began opening up boxes.

Doug took a step back and surveyed the room.  "So, it's you, Jen, Andie, and Jack here?  That's cool that you've got 3 other people to share the rent with."

Pacey sat on the floor and started unpacking a box of pictures.  "Uhh... actually it's five other people, Doug."

Doug was obviously confused.  "Oh no.  Don't tell me..."

"Yes," Pacey said defiantly.  "Joey lives here and you remember Drue?"

Doug nodded.  "Pacey, what were you thinking?  With everything you went through with that girl, do you really think that three months was long enough to get over her?"

Pacey fell silent.  He dusted off a picture from the box and studied it carefully.  He really didn't even remember packing it.  "No.  I'm not really over her, man," he breathed.

Doug walked behind his younger brother to see what he was looking at, although he already knew.

It was a picture of Pacey and Joey.  Doug had remembered it as being one from the Christmas party last year.  Pacey had liked it so much that he had asked Joey to make him a copy.

Doug reached down and squeezed Pacey's shoulder.  "I know, man, I know."

***************

"I really had a good time today Joey.  You were a lot of fun to be with... much to my surprise.  And I want you to know that you have a friend here.  If you want one," Drue conveyed as he lugged a stack of boxes up to their new apartment.

Joey stopped in front of the door and turned to face him.  "What's going on here?  What are you trying to say to me, Drue?"

Drue set the boxes down and sighed.  "I just know that this year is going to be especially hard for you...with Pacey being here.  So if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here for you."

Joey smiled that famous lop-sided smile of hers and reached for his arm.  "Thanks Drue, I know that human kindness is something that you rarely display so I a eternally grateful for this offer."

Drue was stunned.  "You are cruel!  God, see if I ever try to help you again."

Joey laughed.  "I'm sorry.  You should know that I am just teasing you!"

Joey didn't even hear Pacey open the door.  She wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there.  He looked extremely perturbed with Drue.  Joey smiled when she noticed that Doug was standing behind Pacey.

"Hey Joey.  How are you doing?  Getting all settled in, I hope."  Joey nodded at Doug and leaned in to give him a quick hug.

Drue continued bringing boxes in as Doug told her that he had to leave.  Doug was going to meet someone for dinner and had to go back to his hotel to change.

"Yeah, it's kind of fate, I guess.  I meet a woman who lives in Boston so now I have a good reason to check up on my little brother."

"A woman?  What's her name, Doug?  And where did you meet her?"

"He met her on the Internet, can you believe that?  And her name is Gina.  She some kind of computer genius.  Supposed to be really gorgeous too."

Joey beamed with pride.  "Well have fun, Doug.  It sounds like you've found yourself quite a woman."

"I think so.  I'll see you guys later."

Pacey watched his brother leave.  He turned to Joey as she started to head out the door.  "So how was your road trip, Joey?"

"Great, Pacey.  Thanks for asking."  Pacey looked bewildered as he wondered what was up with those two.

***************

Pacey looked around him.  The room was full of boxes and seemed that they could never put them to order.  Drue was at the other side struggling to put the mattress on to his bed.
"Do you need any help, man?"

"Yeah, that'll be great.  Thanks."  The two men lifted the mattress and put it on the bed.

"So, you and Jo had a good time at Capeside?"

Drue gave Pacey a crooked smile. "What exactly do you want to know?"

"Well, it seemed like you two hang out together.  After the drive, I mean."

"What if we did?"

"Nothing.  I just wanted to know if you had a good time."

"Yeah, right.  You know what?  I'm not getting mixed up in this.  If you want to know something, ask Joey."

Pacey looked at him and said nothing.

***************

Jen picked up some more books from the box that was next to her and placed them on the shelf. "You know what?" she said to Joey, who was putting some clothes into the closet.
"I think I'm going need more bookshelves with all the extra books that we're going to have for the classes."

"Hmmm…" Jen lifted her head and stared at Joey who seemed deep into her thoughts.

"What…" she started but didn't have the time to continue. Andie stormed into the room with a huge green on her face.

"Guess what!" she shouted.  "I've got a date!"   Both the girls looked at her quizzically.
"I went to the college today, to ask for the schedule and all, cause, you know, it's never too soon…"

Jen and Joey looked at each other and smiled.

"… And there was the cutest guy ever!  He's from New York and we started chatting and he asked me out tonight!  You know for a movie and dinner maybe."

"Wow.  That's great!" Joey said happily.  "So, what's he like?  Where are you going? Tells us everything."

"Well, he's gorgeous.  He's tall, has black hair, brown eyes, and really sweet.  His name is Ben. And I don't know where we're going.  He's going to call."

"God," Jen said.  "I had forgotten!  Grams has asked me to invite you all to dinner tonight and now you can't come and Jack's not coming either because he's got a date with Tobey."

Andie's face fell. "I can cancel…"

Jen interrupted her. "No.  You know what?  Enjoy yourself.  Grams is not going anywhere.  It's just going to be me, Pacey, Joey and Drue, I guess."

Andie smiled again. "Thanks Jen.  So, Tobey is coming?  Jack didn't tell me anything."

"They've just arranged it."

"I guess I'll go help him, since we both have hot dates tonight."

"You don't have any plans for tonight, do you?" Jen asked Joey as soon as their friend left the room.

Joey frowned. "You have to remind me that, don't you?"

"Don't worry. That makes two of us. I'll go tell the guys."

Two hours later, the group found themselves enjoying a delicious dinner...and each other's company.  Joey's last summer in Capeside had been so lonely.  She hadn't realized how much she had missed her friends.  Jen and Grams had moved to Boston right after graduation and Drue had been sent to live in New York with his father for the summer.  Of course, she hadn't seen Pacey since he had left for his summer job.  He had been to 'paradise' as he had described it.

"So I bet the Caribbean was really beautiful.  I can't imagine ever wanting to leave a place like that, Pacey," Jen said excitedly.

Pacey wiped his mouth and chuckled a little.  "Don't get me wrong, it was an extraordinary experience, but there was something I left behind that I really missed."  Pacey and Joey locked eyes for a moment.  Joey was completely mesmerized.

"What did you miss, Pacey...Pacey!”  Drue tried in vain to get his attention.

Pacey finally looked away and said quickly, "Well, you know!  I missed Grams' cooking, of course.  This was really wonderful, Mrs. Ryan."

"Thank you, Pacey.  Although I'm sure that can't be the only thing you missed about Capeside," she said knowingly.  With that she rose and began clearing away the dishes.  Jen and Drue looked at each other uncomfortably.

"Let's give Grams a hand clearing the table, Drue," Jen suggested.

"What?  Why would I want to...Ow!  What are you...oh, okay.  I'll be right there."  A swift kick from Jen under the table got him moving.

Pacey watched them leave the dining room with their arms full of dishes.  "I guess I ran them off with my boring tales," he announced.

Joey shifted uncomfortably and stared at the table.  Finally, she said, "I didn't think that it was boring at all.  I often wondered what you were up to.  I kept expecting a postcard, a phone call, anything.  Just so I'd know if you were doing okay...or thinking about me as much as I was thinking about you."

Pacey scooted over to the chair next to hers.  "Joey."  She refused to look at him.  He placed his hand under her chin and lifted her gaze to meet his.  "I know the way I left was wrong...not telling you.  But please don't ever think that I did that to hurt you.  And I thought about you...everyday, in fact."  He removed his hand from her face, but she continued to stare into his eyes.  "It's funny.  I thought if I left Capeside then I could leave behind all the feelings I had for you."  He shook his head.  "It didn't work."

Joey took his hand into hers.  He noticed that she was shaking a little.  "And how do you feel about me now?"

Pacey searched her eyes and leaned in slowly.

"Are you guys ready for a rousing game of Scrabble?" Drue declared.

Pacey looked back at Jen, Drue, and Grams standing in the doorway.  He nodded, "Sure, why not?"  Pacey stood and pulled out Joey's chair.  Pacey didn't see Jen elbowing Drue in the rib.
"Well that was fun."  Jen was trying to break the silence between her friends as they made the short walk back to their apartment.

"Okay, Jen.  Whatever you say."  Drue rolled his eyes and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm talking about those Scrabble words: jerk, dumb, witless, stupid.   You're absolutely hilarious, Lindley."

"Drue, now what makes you think that I was trying to wound you with our little game?" Jen asked sweetly.

Pacey wrapped his light jacket around Joey's bare shoulders.  Joey smiled up at him a little and noticed that Jen and Drue were still caught up in their banter.  She seized the opportunity to ask Pacey a serious question.  "You never answered me before, Pacey.  How do you feel about me now?"

The group had reached their apartment building and Jen and Drue had begun ascending the stairs.  Joey stopped because she was still waiting for her answer.  "I think you already know, Joey."  Pacey tried to slide past her, but she grabbed his arm.

"No, I don't know, but I'd like to.  I need this, Pacey.  I want to know what's going on between us," Joey pleaded.

"I don't have any answers for you, Joey.  Nothing has changed.  I still don't believe we're right for each other," Pacey said sadly.

Joey's face crumpled.  "How can you say that?!"  She took a deep breath and whispered, "You break my heart."

Pacey watched her as she walked away from him with tears streaming down her face.

***************

Andie woke up suddenly by the disturbing sound of the clock beside her. Quickly she pushed the button so her brother wouldn't hear it. She looked at him affectionately, as he sighed in his sleep and turned over. He didn't have early classes and he'd stayed up late last night.

Andie got up trying to be as quiet as she could. As far as she knew no one would be up at this early hour. But she was wrong. When she opened the door she discerned light from the kitchen and heard someone whispering. She smiled as she recognized the voice even if it was just a whisper.

"Pacey! What are you doing here?"

He was sitting on the kitchen table and he had three books opened in front of him. She took a glimpse of a picture in one of them; it showed something that looked disgustingly like the interior of a man's body.

"I'm studying. What do you think?  I've got a class in two hours and then practice and I didn't get to do any homework yesterday. "

"Wow, you’re taking this EMT business seriously, aren't you?"

"It's hard work, Andie, but it's worth it. You feel that you're doing something.  Something significant.  You help people.  I'm only doing it for a month and I already feel it."

Andie took a cereal box and put some into a bowl.  She added some milk and sat down next to Pacey.  She was glad she found him alone.  The last month was crazy.  Between his paramedic lessons and his work and her Harvard they hardly ever talked, really talked.  And there was Ben… Andie grinned, as she did every time she thought about him.

"Thinking about Ben, aren't you?" he asked her smiling.

"No, no, Pace. We're not talking about me.  You guys know all about Ben.  I want to talk about you."

"Come on!  What do you want to know?"

"I don't know.  How did you decide to become a paramedic?  When you first came you were talking about working for the Dean of Worthington and the next minute you change your mind."

"It wasn't so sudden, Andie.  I thought about it but I didn't want to say anything before I'm sure they'd take me.  But I wanted it."

"Why?"

Pacey smiled sadly. "You're the only one who asked."

"And I'm asking again.  Why?"

"I'll tell you something that I haven't told anyone.  I saved someone's life during the summer and that can be an altering experience."

Andie stopped eating.  Her eyes were fixed on Pacey.

"It was nothing big.  I mean, one minute I was eating with a guy from work and talking and the next he was choking.  I've never been so scared in my entire life.  He turned blue. He couldn't breathe.  It was like everything was in slow motion, you know?  I yelled for someone to call 911 and grabbed him.  I didn't know what I was doing; I had no idea.  I've only seen on TV what you're supposed to do and just grabbed him and pushed on his stomach.  I was lucky cause I did it right and he spit.  And that was it."

"That was it?  That was great, Pace!"

"Yeah, it was relieving but if you told me to do it again I couldn't.  It was pure luck.  So, I decided to learn how to do it right."

He stopped.  They were both silent for a moment and the he added.  "I would have done it anyway but I'm lucky they're paying us.  I want to take some classes at the Community College."

"I had no idea you wanted to go to college!"

"I want to do something of myself, Andie.  I want to be someone.  Maybe…."

"Maybe then you'll deserve her?"

He didn't answer.

"I don't know what to say, Pacey.  When I first saw you two, I thought you're going to get back together again for sure.  But after that dinner with Grams… I feel I miss something… what happened?"

"I just hurt her yet again."

"And you hurt yourself even more.  You shouldn't think so little of yourself, Pacey."

He sighed.  "I've got to go."

"Yeah, me too."  She stood up but turned around again.  "I don't know, but this may turn out for the best.  If you're destined to be together you'll find your way back to each other, no matter what.  In the mean time, have some fun, ok?  This is supposed to be the best time of our lives, right?"

He laughed.  "When did Pacey Witter say no to a little fun?"

"Never."

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